How to Celebrate Valentine’s Day When You Don’t Want Sex

Lifestyle |
Sex |
6 min read

Written By

Jessica D. Buck

Published

February 09, 2026

Medically reviewed by

Alyssa Dweck MS, MD, FACOG, MSCP, Chief Medical Officer

With Valentine’s Day around the corner, romance and intimacy may feel like something we should want. But what if you can’t help but think: “I just don’t feel like it”? Many women navigating perimenopause and menopause experience a shift in their desire to be physically intimate with their partner.

Holidays, especially Valentine’s Day, often come with an unspoken list of expectations around romance and sex. Sex isn’t everything, though—and there are ways to feel close and connected to your partner without intercourse. You may notice that you still want to connect with your partner, even if you don’t feel particularly “in the mood.”

In this article, we’ll explore several non-sexual intimacy ideas to help you feel more connected to your partner as you navigate menopause.

Improving Your Emotional Connection After 40

Your body is changing, and, with it, perhaps your levels of self-confidence and self-image are as well. It makes sense that you may not want sex all the time when your hormones are shifting, your sexual self-esteem seems lower because of how your body is changing, your sleep is disrupted, and your moods are all over the place.

In addition, the hormonal changes experienced during the menopause transition can make it difficult for women to feel aroused due to decreased blood flow to the genitals, which can negatively impact the body’s natural ability to create lubrication, leading to potential pain during intercourse.¹ While it may feel more difficult to become physically aroused during menopause, sexual desire ultimately tends to emerge in the brain, from a sense of ease and emotional safety, not pressure,² which may also be impeded during this time.

For many women navigating perimenopause and menopause, feeling connected to your partner requires different things, such as respect, trust, and presence. Connection grows when you feel comfortable and acknowledged by your partner.³ Pressure to have sex leaves little room for natural desire to occur.

Your partner seeing that you are comfortable can create a shared presence that may help you feel more open to physical closeness because you are more emotionally connected.⁴ Being seen is a basic form of respect, affirming that you and your needs matter.⁵ This creates a deeper sense of closeness than sex alone due to the deep foundation of trust you build with your partner, together.

Non-Sexual Intimacy Ideas for Menopause

Non-sexual intimacy can be just as pleasurable and meaningful—if not more so—as sex. It may be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your partner as you navigate how your intimate life has shifted before or after menopause. This can allow you both to communicate expectations around sex and develop ways to create connection together. Doing this may be just what you need to open the door to increasing emotional safety, which may help you feel closer to your partner and strengthen your long-term relationship.⁶ The following are a few other non-sexual romantic ideas that may help to foster closeness with your partner.

Incorporate Shared Rituals

Simple daily rituals can provide consistency and connection during a phase of life that often feels unpredictable. These may include having your morning coffee together, taking an evening walk and holding hands, enjoying a puzzle, or watching a movie together.

These simple rituals can help to create space for togetherness without demanding intense emotional or physical investments. They also provide your two nervous systems with a sense of rhythm and familiarity, reinforcing your connection through a stable presence rather than physical connection, where maybe only one person would be enjoying the moment.⁷

Welcome Affection Without Pressure

Physical closeness doesn’t need to signal an expectation for something more, even though it often feels like it does. Touch can be supportive—like holding hands, hugging, or even sitting close—because it offers reassurance and provides security by knowing that the person you deeply care about is right there with you.⁸

During menopause, you may find yourself feeling more open to affection when there are no expectations attached, where you’re allowed to set boundaries for what feels good for you. You shouldn’t have to force yourself to want to connect with your partner. Sometimes, you just need to warm up and feel safe to be in each other’s presence again for a while.

Show You Care Through Acts of Service

Supportive actions often speak louder than words, especially for those whose love language is acts of service. Consider cooking a nourishing meal, drawing a bath, buying flowers, or handling a task your partner often does without being asked. All these actions communicate “I care about you” in tangible ways.⁹ These gestures can also reduce mental and physical load for your partner which can do wonders, emotionally.

Embrace Quiet Companionship & Parallel Play

Being together without needing to actively engage can be deeply connective. This is sometimes referred to as parallel play—where two people share space and time without requiring constant interaction.¹⁰

Watching a favorite show, listening to music, or taking a road trip allows for shared experiences without the pressure to talk or intensely engage. The key is to make your companionship intentional, and not to be passive or neglect each other.

For many women navigating menopause, this kind of presence may help to support your relationship allowing you to rest and relax together because it doesn’t demand you to be fully on. Quiet companionship may just offer a gentler connection that feels supportive rather than draining, especially when stress is high.

Intimacy Without Sex Is Possible

As needs change, conversations about sex and what you desire may feel vulnerable, but they may also create space for greater understanding. Talk about what feels supportive for you now, without blame or apology, allowing you to stay open and honest in your relationship. Consider using simple language, like “I want to feel close without any pressure tonight,” which can help clarify your needs while offering mutual respect.

By communicating these updated expectations with your partner, emotional intimacy has room to grow, even if it feels out of reach right now. When both partners feel seen and understood, intimacy can deepen in ways that are more balanced and mutually nourishing. Pleasure is still possible during menopause; it just may look a little different and may take time to set the stage to begin to enjoy intimacy again in a way that takes your body’s needs and preferences into account.

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